The Official American Political Dictionary

(Sometimes alphabetically arranged; sometimes not.)

by

William C. Spaulding

© 1985

Bureaucracy — a) The Real Welfare State.

Bureaucrat — a) A welfare recipient.

Communism — a) Any country that has the word "democracy" or "peoples'" or "republic" or any other such word in their names.

I.R.S. — a) Initials. b) God c) A special vacuum cleaner that sucks up money wherever it can be found.

         Favorite Religious Expression: Fear the IRS and fear nothing else.

         Favorite General Expression: "You owe us money."

         Favorite Song: "Give Us Some More"

         Favorite Activity: Seizing little kiddies' bank accounts (This helps to instill fear and respect in people early on.)

         Biggest Setback: Taxpayers' Bill of Rights

President — a) He who is the most gullible, and has the most wealthy friends.

Democracy — a) The right of every person to pay off any politician he or she chooses. b) Something that all governments call themselves.

Dictatorship — a) Something that governments call other governments.

Documents of the U.S. Government — a) Toilet paper: enough to supply the entire world for generations to come. b) Something that archeologists discovered millennia later, but were unable to decipher, even in a pristine state, due to their lack of intelligibility. c) Something that nobody today can decipher for the same reason.

Government Waste — a) The government.

Jerking Off — a) What politicians do to the American public.

Money — a) The object of politicians' unconditional love.

Political Asylum — a) A Presidential pardon, obtained by people who are friends of the President, and sometimes, these people might even really deserve it (though this has never happened yet).

Scandal — a) Politicians' most frequent and favorite activity. b) How politicians handle the taxpayers' money. c) How politicians get into office. d) What politicians are.

Politician — a) A device whereby money goes in one end, and nothing comes out of the other. b) A person purporting to represent you, so you can be taxed (no taxation without representation). See Scandal. [Derived from the English, meaning to screw people.]

Prostitutes — a) People, both male and female, who work for the government, but not for the people, though at the peoples' expense.

U.S. Constitution — a) This is a piece of paper that politicians cite, without ever actually having read it.

P.A.C. — a) Political Action Committee, people with special interests who pay politicians to represent them, and not the people. Too many people misunderstand this word because of the word "Action," which would seem to suggest that politicians were actually doing something, but politicians are as inclined to action as they are to driving nails into their eyeballs.

Republic — a) A government by the few, representing themselves. Sometimes they might represent a few others — for the right price.

Budget Deficit — a) The black hole for money.

Presidential Pardon — a) Friends helping friends.

Distribution of Wealth — a) The principle whereby those who have get, and those who don't have, get taxed. b) Giving money to the rich so that it can trickle down to the poor. Someone had the boldness to suggest giving the money to the poor and let it trickle up to the rich, but that was considered too fair, so it was promptly dismissed.

Made in America — a) Not made in Japan. b) Made in Japan, but assembled in the United States.